


Usopp's dilemma

by ni21



Category: One Piece
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Gen, Humor, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-09-27 05:10:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20402218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ni21/pseuds/ni21
Summary: Actually Usopp had thought Zoro and Robin were happy with each other, but during the victory celebration on Wano he sees something that he shouldn't have seen and it's driving him nuts, terrifies him. What is he supposed to do with the information? Now he can't outright go to his scariest Nakama and ask them, can he?





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a little side story to my main story Shôganai, but I suppose you can read it without knowing the other. Now if you are a reader of Shôganai or want to give it a try, come back once you read chapter 43/22 if you don't, just to help you along with the setting a quick recap:  
Zoro and Robin are in a steady relationship and just recently came out to the crew about it (even though EVERYONE had already known before). Also, they are into BDSM, there, all caught up.
> 
> Now as always a huge thank you to my amazing beta [Rexica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rexica/pseuds/Rexica)

His heart beat in his throat as he pressed his back against the wall, doing his best to not hear the gurgling, choking sounds emitting from the window he'd just passed. He was done, there was no way that he would come out of this alive. Why did it have to be him who stumbled across this? Maybe he'd seen it wrong? It was rather dark inside the room behind his hiding wall, maybe it wasn't even Zoro who he had seen. Or maybe it was Zoro, but Robin with him and not Momo's little sister? Dear god, why did it have to be him? Alright, double check, deep breath. They had seemed very busy before; they wouldn't notice if he sneaked another peek through the window, right? 

And even if, what could they do to a brave warrior of the seas like him? Cut him in a million pieces is what Zoro could do, the squeaky voice in the back of his mind told him, and his knees shook at the mere thought of being at the wrong end of one of Zoro's attacks.

And they had been so perfect for each other! His two scary friends! Hadn't they been happy? Both had seemed much more balanced, Zoro less irritable and Robin less reserved. Maybe he should have expected it though. They had never even held hands in front of the others, and he knew that if he could be together with Kaya, he sure wouldn't let go of her for even a minute. Right, they hadn't done any couple stuff together. Big red flag right there. They had officially taken nightwatch together though… maybe it had just been sex, and they had all interpreted too much into it. But Robin had said they were in love? Maybe that was just true for her? 

But Zoro wouldn't do something like that. Zoro was loyal to a fault… had his friend changed so much during the two years apart?

Couldn't be helped, he had to check again. He had to be absolutely sure before he made any decisions.

With a deep breath, he steadied his shaking legs and pushed himself up to a crouch, nose flat against the wall he peeked over the windowsill. 

Shit, green hair, grumpy one eyed face, definitely Zoro, butt naked and - ah well, reasonably impressive, he supposed - leaning down to the teal haired woman he had forced on her knees during his last peek. He watched on as the swordsman that he had thought to be the epitome of honour and loyalty grabbed the poor woman's saliva covered jaw - least he hoped it was just saliva - in a most likely bruising grip if her whimper was an indication.

"There. Don't you think this position suits you much better, Hiyori-chan?"

Holy shit! He ducked down again, having definitely seen more than he should or wanted. Zoro, how could you? What was that even? It looked like… like… Surely Zoro wouldn't force himself on a woman, would he? Hadn't thought he'd cheat either though. But this? Didn't this go against everything they stood for as strawhats? Against everything the swordsman himself stood for? Was that  _ holding back _ ? Just why did it have to be him? Sanji could have just stormed in and saved Hiyori. And what was up with the Hiyori-chan? Zoro never used suffixes like that! Maybe it was an imposter? Like Mr 2? 

That would change everything. If it was indeed Zoro, he could at least hope that their friendship was strong enough that he'd let him live, but if it was an imposter? 

He needed help, and soon! "Hold tight, Hiyori-san, the great captain Usopp will get you out of there," he murmured before scrambling up to run in the direction of the rest. Who knew what the imposter would do to her if he didn't hurry?

"Yohohoho, what has you running like that, Usopp-san?"

He skidded to a halt and backtracked towards the skeleton. Not the strawhat he'd hoped for, but together they sure could take the guy out!

"Hiyori needs our help, Brook! A Zoro imposter is forcing himself on her! Quick!" He had already started towards the scene of the crime before he noticed that his bony friend hadn't moved.

"What are you waiting for? Maybe she’ll show you her panties in gratitude!" He tried. Just what was wrong with the guy?

"Yohoho, that does sound like a treat, but I'm afraid there won't be anything we get from interfering there other than broken bones, and I'm all bones, yohohoho. Do you see why I'm hesitant, Usopp-san?" the skeleton answered. For real?

"You can't be serious, we need to save her!"

"I don't think she needs saving from Zoro-san. I saw them sleeping together in the shrine by the well, rather comfortable I might add."

Whaaa- "Why haven't you said anything? So the real Zoro is… how can this… we need to tell Robin!"

"Yohohoho, no."

Wha- He slapped his hand against his face. Even though after 19 years he should have learned that his nose was too long for a casual facepalm. Of course Brook didn't want to tell Robin. She would kill him, although Brook was already dead yo-ho-ho. He looked up and could swear he saw the mirth shining in the musician's empty sockets. That idiot took pleasure in the fact that he didn't even have to make his skull jokes anymore because  _ all _ of them did them in their head anyway.

The liar rubbed his nose, sighing as he took a seat on the floor next to Brook's barrel. So, Brook had seen the cheating too. Maybe it wasn't cheating, but they had broken up while they were incognito? There was another issue though…

"Say, Brook, when you saw Zoro and Hiyori, did they seem… I don't know, soft with each other?" He didn't want to lead the question too much.

"I didn't see a  _ bone _ , yohoho," Brook sang for an answer, sipping from his cup of tea he could swear he hadn't had before.

And why would he see a bone- Oh for… "That's not what I meant!" That really wasn't a picture he wanted to keep in his head. 

"I meant… did they look violent? Did Zoro seem violent?" There, he'd said it. God, this was hard.

The skeleton gasped. Right, it was ridiculous. Zoro would never…

"Oh, no, sleeping rather peacefully, actually, nothing like with Robin," he answered in a way that was way too casual for the information and for him.

Zoro was violent with Robin? Was that why she had left him? He had heard the stories about them, from the Okiya, but he hadn't thought… He fisted his hair, gripping tight. Gah, this just couldn't be! None of this fit together with who he knew Zoro to be!

"You seem worried Usopp-san."

Was the guy serious? "Of course I'm fucking worried, why aren't you?" He screeched at the skeleton and was immediately placated with a steaming cup of tea in his hands that really had no business still being hot.

"I don't know, Usopp-san. It seems to be their thing."

"Their thi-" he couldn't even finish the sentence before the skeleton’s head was right next to his own, empty sockets boring into his soul, freezing breath sending a shudder down his spine that almost made him spill his piping tea. How could he even produce breath? Or talk for that - yeah never mind.

"I've been told that," the skeleton said in his whispered gossip voice, "Robin-san has to call him  _ Zoro-sama _ ."

He spit out his most recent sip of tea, a sip he'd taken to calm his nerves.  _ Zoro-sama _ , eesh, conceited much? If he hadn't seen for himself, he'd have asked if the swordsman had to compensate for something… if maybe all his mass was focused in only his muscles and not where it counted… well, there definitely was a considerable lack between his ears… as far as the typical compensation issues went, though... sure, the swordsman wasn’t as big as himself, which may or may not be giving him a considerable boost to his ego, and the most smug grin he had ever donned, but still nothing to be ashamed about. Probably, he wouldn’t know, of course… But honestly, Zoro-sama… and they called him and Luffy juvenile for doing the chopstick dance. Robin played along with that? Just how much did she love that idiot? Brook was right. Telling her would break her heart, and then she would break their bones… 

Ahh, he wanted to scream, this situation was horrible. Life on Sunny would never be the same again! But maybe Brook had been exactly the right crewmate to stumble upon in this situation. It was no secret that he and Nami lived and breathed for gossip, so if anybody knew about what could be wrong between Zoro and Robin, it would be the two of them. And Brook wouldn’t just randomly electrocute him just because he had a bad day not to mention this situation.

“Have they split up?”

The skeleton leaned back. “Yohoho, I wouldn’t think so,” he said only to jump right into his face again. “After all, Zoro-san, um... perpetuated his sign on her, as per her request. And Robin-san doesn’t seem to be a woman making rash decisions.”

“Like a Tattoo?” Robin didn’t seem to be the kind of woman getting tattoos either.

“Yohohoho, a bit more personal and invasive than that, Usopp-san,” his friend sang, and if at all possible came even closer. What was that even supposed to mean? But yes, he’d seen Robin with a bandaged shoulder months ago…

The skeleton suddenly jerked away from him. "Yohohoho, that's my signal," he laughed and skipped away. In the distance, he could hear the chants for the soul king to come despite none of Wano's citizens having heard of him before. Sure explained why he'd been sitting around on his own…

"Oiii, Brook," he called after him. "If you tell Nami I'll tell Robin!"

Despite the dark, he could see the shudder going down his spine. Robin's penchant for breaking and dislocating bones really terrified the musician. Good thing too, because if Nami found out, she wouldn't go about this in a subtle and predicting way, like Robin would. She'd probably just lash out and electrocute all of them and later ask their smoking corpses if they had known about it beforehand….


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time Usopp saw Zoro presumably cheating on Robin and not in a nice way either, so far Usopp didn't have the guts to confront either of them, let's see if this chapter is any better, shall we?

It's been weeks since they had set sail and left Wano with all its marriage destroying Oirans behind, but he was still no closer to a solution.

Luffy and Chopper snored next to him, thoroughly exhausted after telling Law all about the adventure they had shortly after Wano, while Law was up in the galley giving the "adults" of the crew a check up and answering their "adult" questions. It had become a ritual since they'd entered the new world, and while he himself was indeed an adult, he didn't really have reason to consult the surgeon with Kaya waiting for him at home… Didn't mind distracting young Chopper and oblivious Luffy. 

Maybe he should talk to the surgeon though, because he had to admit that though he was an adult, he didn't have much knowledge about the "adult stuff". Well, he had thought he did, but what he had seen Zoro do with Hiyori wasn't what came to his mind when he pictured making love, and he was sure that Kaya wouldn't appreciate such treatment. In general, that didn't look like anything people who liked and respected each other should do. Hadn't Zoro saved Hiyori a lot of times? But yes, maybe there were things he didn't quite understand about making love. Maybe this thing he had witnessed was normal where Zoro grew up? But no, Brook had said Zoro treated Robin even worse…  _ Zoro-sama _ … as ridiculous as it sounded, but insisting on that… almost like she was his slave? You didn't treat people like that. Not people you loved, even if it was just sex. It was no way to treat Nakama! Or was it? Zoro and Sanji fought a lot, maybe that was also part of that?

He fisted his hands in his hair, just barely keeping down a frustrated scream that would surely wake his Nakama up. He just couldn't wrap his head around it. What would you gain from treating someone that way? 

He couldn't go to Law, even if Zoro seemed to consult him occasionally, because it probably counted as doctor-patient confidentiality. Was that really the issue though? Just because he didn't understand didn't mean that they couldn't like it, but there still was the issue that it had been Hiyori Zoro had been with and not Robin. And that really was the actual problem. Let's be honest. If Robin didn't want to be treated like that, she would have snapped the idiot's spine in 20 different places and quite possibly pushed his last eye out from the inside. Nico Robin was no woman to be used, and if Robin could enjoy such treatment, there was a possibility that more people liked it. So, yeah, the actual problem was the cheating.

What else could he do? Things had gone back to normal. Zoro and Robin still didn't show any public displays of affection, but they still took nightwatch together, so he assumed Zoro hadn't told her about his infidelity. And after such a long time, he really didn't think that he would come clean at all. Robin had a right to know though. 

Apart from the disturbing gossip, Brook hadn't been much help, but he definitely needed help with this issue. Couldn't talk to Chopper about it; it would devastate the kid. Everyone knew how much he idolised the swordsman, and he'd been really happy about the relationship… Luffy probably had to know, since he was the captain and things that could destroy the crew definitely were his business, but he definitely also was an idiot.

Nami and Sanji were out of the question, obviously, so that left Franky. Franky should know everything about stuff like that. The self proclaimed pervert ought to know something that could help!

He scrambled up and tiptoed around his sleeping friends to search for the cyborg, hoping he was done with Law already.

"Franky, you got a minute?" he asked after locating him back in his workshop. 

"Owww, you finally gonna talk about what's been bothering you since Wano?" The cyborg asked, and he cringed… had it been that obvious? Sure, he had trouble looking at both Zoro and Robin, but he thought he'd hid it rather well…

He shrugged, no need dwelling on that. "Well, on Wano, I saw something that's been bothering me."

Franky laughed, huge hand coming down on his shoulder. "Aye, Usopp-bro, their play ain't for the faint of heart, eh?"

"What do you mean?"

"Ah well, I ain't sayin' that I heard something when testing the new speakers system for Sunny, but  _ owww  _ I kinda wish I hadn't tested it that day."

"You mean you overheard Zoro and Robin? Well, I saw Zoro with someone other than Robin," he babbled even before he could think of what it could mean to tell yet another crew member. Aaah, he had wanted to do this the smart way! Gathering information not blathering out his own intel.

"Owww, that's super not cool, bro. Are you sure?"

He sighed in defeat, he really wasn't cut out for this job. "Yes I'm sure. I saw him with Hiyori, shortly before Brook's concert on Wano."

The cyborg's face fell, and he understood perfectly. Neither of them had thought this degree of deceit possible from the swordsman… mainly because he was an idiot, but also because nobody even understood how the dumbass had scored Robin. Apart from their apparently fairly adventurous sexlife, they really didn't seem to have much in common… although, that wasn't quite true was it? Of course it wasn't. Once they had realised something was going on between the two, way before they had made it official, mind you, they had suddenly seen that there just was no other choice for either of them. They were both quiet, both morbid in a way, both more on the pessimistic side of life… it was just that, everything he's seen now, everything he's heard… he'd started doubting things. 

"I just can't see Zoro-bro going behind her back. Did they break up? It took them ages to come out with their relationship, so maybe the news are just super slow?"

He nodded to the cyborg's statement. "Yes, yes, I thought so too. You know what - you should ask them!" That was just perfect! Even if Robin tried, there was no way she could break Franky's back, and if Zoro Cut him apart… yeah, well, that would just be bad luck, wouldn't it? And he could just screw himself back together. You had to make sacrifices for the peace on board a ship.

"No way, Nose-bro," the shipwright laughed through clenched teeth. "They are adults. They can handle their shit. I'm sure there's an easy solution."

Gahh! "Come ooon! What the hell, man? Don't you have some alloy to withstand the cuts?" How was it that no one here wanted to take one for the team? There was nobody better equipped to handle the situation, at least nobody that wouldn't rip his own head off just for being the messenger!

"Yo, I'm not worried about the swords," the pervert grumbled.

That was just ridiculous! "You're 10 times her weight. Your spine is titanium. How can you be afraid of Robin?"

"Ain't ma fuckin' spine I'm worried about. My balls are still  _ suuuuper  _ original. There's no fuckin' way I'ma get that woman mad now that she got armament Haki, too."

Such a coward!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed, leave a kudos and a comment to let me know!  
Not sure when I'll get around to upload the next chapter, since I'll be on vacation. In case you read Shôganai, it will resume around September 18th


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last time Usopp tried to get help from Franky, but as it turns out the cyborg has some still some trauma to work through when it comes to Robin. Now, that all else failed it is time to turn to the real captain of the Strawhat Pirates. No, not Luffy, the only one who can help now is Nami!

Alright, this was it. He knew he needed Nami for this. She was the only one that could clear things up. She wasn't afraid of Zoro, and she wouldn't trip over her own feet swooning over Robin. She also wouldn't hesitate to electrocute him for telling her, hence the crew meeting with everyone present but Robin and Zoro. They were all gathered in the kitchen, the holy ground where the only sanctioned fighting was over food. 

"So, Usopp-kun, what did you want to talk to us about? You've been weird for weeks," the redhead asked. Yeah, weeks. It might have taken him some time to find the courage, but Brook stood with him. He could testify on hi- 

"Yohohoho, I think I left the kettle on," he said and slinked  _ out  _ of the kitchen… how was it that half this crew feared the crew itself more than the world government?

"ZorocheatedonRobin!" He cried and instantly ducked behind the cyborg for cover. He should make a nice lightning rod. But nothing came. No furious screams, no thunder cracking, no aflamed feet stomping out the kitchen and up to the crow's nest. Nothing. Utter deafening silence. He peeked through his fingers, maybe his death had come so fast he hadn't even noticed? No, he was very much alive, he noticed, when coming nose to cheek with the Speedo clad ass of a pervert. Nose flat against the cyborg's hip, he slowly inched himself around, tentative gaze falling on his Nakama. They weren't angry; they were confused. Just as confused as he himself or Franky had been. Stunned. 

Oh, poor Chopper. He couldn't even look at him. Hooves knotted in anguish over his chosen family falling apart! "I'm sorry, Chopper, bu-" 

"It's alright!" The boy squeaked before clasping his hooves in front of his mouth. Ahh, aching heart, he could feel the boy's desperation. 

He bit his fist. Such a strong kid. 

"Are you absolutely certain?" Luffy asked in his oddly serious tone. It surprised him. He had thought that it would be Nami or Sanji who would react. 

"Aye, captain, I saw the two with my own eyes on Wano before Brook's concert," he reported, deciding it was better to keep his partner a secret for now and keep this discussion relevant. Wouldn't help anyone to have Sanji wailing on the floor.

Luffy's gaze on him was intense, reminded him of their fallout on Water 7. Slowly, their captain pushed his chair back, and everyone could feel the disappointment radiating off of him as he pushed his hat further down his face.

"Where are you going, Luffy?" Nami asked while hugging trembling Chopper to her side. Ah, the poor kid!

"Gonna ask them if it's true, and then I'm gonna kick his butt," the captain declared, and then things happened fast. Nami and Sanji both jumped to their feet, the idea of kicking Zoro's ass like a call to arms, while Chopper tumbled over the table desperately calling out for them to stop, switching through several transformations until he rounded all of them and blocked their path with his heavy point _ ,  _ the door in his back, hat being squished against the frame. "No no no no, was a threesome, was a threesome!" The boy cried before shrinking back to brain point, hooves covering his mouth again, eyes pressed shut as he squealed. "I didn't say anything! You didn't hear that! That's doctor patient confidentiality!"

With a loud thud, Sanji smacked to the floor, nose bleeding and spit foaming from his mouth, while Nami cursed under her breath and Luffy scratched his head. 

"What's a threesome?" their captain asked, only for Chopper to squeak again, changing into Kung-Fu point and knocking the boy unconscious with a kick "I didn't say anything, idiot!"

Well, fuck. This was jus- a handful of petals fell down from the ceiling, fluttering to the floor in front him him. And he couldn't help but feeling like he'd been the cause for a lot of entertainment up the crow's nest. Oh well. At least that problem was solved now. Everyone was happy, nobody got hurt, aaaand if it helped little Zoro cope, the great, big Captain Usopp was fine with that. There’d come a time when he could rub it in his grumpy face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's that, I hope you enjoyed, drop me a kudos or a comment to let me know.  
I have to say, making Usopp suffer was really fun... might do it again...  
Now, I really hope I'll see you over at [shôganai](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14560110/chapters/33643965) some time around next wednesday!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it and if you come from Shôganai, that you aren't too disappointed that it will be on break the next two weeks because Usopp has a lot more to suffer with this situation. Drop me a kudos or a comment if you will. See you sometime next week!


End file.
